I thought that the first story was very well written! I like how your title of the page lets us know right off the bat who we are going to be reading about. I also really enjoyed the descriptions that were in your story. I read the story a couple times just so I could envision in my head what was going on and I could clearly get a great picture and that is thanks to your writing. A story is always good when it has our hero facing a villain and that by defeating it they bring peace to the land. I do agree that a warrior should always be conscience of his legacy for sure. It seems like too often the warriors we read about only do heroic feats when it makes them look good and they don’t take into consideration the lasting impact of what they have done. One thing that I was curious about is what are the other stories we are going to be reading about? I don’t happen to see an introduction, so I was just curious. Anyway, I really enjoyed your reading and cannot wait to come back for more.
I enjoyed reading your stories; they were quick and got to the point. I also enjoyed your alternative retelling of the various stories. It is very creative and made it fun to read! While I do not have any criticisms for any plot points and the like, I do have some quick suggestions for the overall grammar. A lot of the sentences are very basic and could be combined into more complex sentence structures. For example, in your story "Dakka," when describing your hero, you used a lot of 5-6 word sentences with "He is", "He did", "He would", etc. You could've combined definitely shortened those rather than having them as separate sentences. Additionally, you also had a lot of sentence fragments in both of the stories. I'd suggest rereading through your stories and sharpening up the overall grammar. Otherwise, your portfolio was good! Hope this helped!
Hey Dylan, I like how you include some information on the homepage to give the readers a hint of what is to come. Did you know you can add the link to your comment wall as the footer and it'll be displayed on all the pages? I think that's very useful for the readers to easily get to the comment wall from any page. Your stories here are the first I've seen that has the picture at the very beginning right under the banner image. That's very unique and has an interesting effect on the look of the page. For your first story, you have done very well with writing the story and think it's really creative how you took the idea of someone being tempted and turned it into a new story. The paragraph with the actual battle is so short. I feel like it could use a few more details on the actual battle. Maybe give an idea of how long it lasted or how bloody it was? Even just one more sentence could give the reader a better feel of the battle itself. I saw one wording thing that I wonder if you missed in proofreading? I feel like "woman" in the following sentence (in 2nd to last paragraph) should be "creature" based on the sentences that follow: "He then caught an image of who the mysterious woman really was. That was exactly what she was. A creature." For your second story, I really appreciate how you kept true to the original message on the story but told it in your way. I've found these kinds of stories the most fun to read because it really lets the writer show their creativity. I also found the cat really relatable because I'm very competitive. I didn't see anything that jumped out at me for improvements either.
I really enjoyed reading both of your stories about Dakka and Chester. I think they showcased your storytelling range, since they’re both so different from each other. Reading about Dakka was intriguing because that part of the Ramayana stuck out to me too, and I’m hoping to write about that story from Shurpanakha’s perspective. I liked how you made it a point to write about not only Dakka’s honor as a warrior and his legacy for future generations but also his loyalty to his wife despite how seductive the creature was and how intensely she was trying to steal him away. As for Chester, I liked how you illustrated the moral point of ‘The Turtle Who Couldn’t Stop Talking’ in a cute way, while adding your own creative spin on it. I thought it was really interesting how the moral lesson changed from talking too much to being too competitive.
Good job on already writing 2 stories, you’re ahead of the game! Something I already noticed before even reading your stories is that you don’t have an introduction. Although you have 2 stories written already, I feel like an introduction is really necessary because I have no idea what your storybook is about or what you’re trying to do with your project. It makes it a bit confusing for me when reading because I don’t exactly know where your stories are going since I wasn’t given a direction from the start. I definitely recommend that you spend the next week crafting an introduction to help out with any confusion your readers may have about your story! Other than that, your stories were very straight to the point and easy to read. It wasn’t hard to follow along. However, I think it would be interesting if you were to change to the story to a first point of view. By doing so, I think readers would get a better sense about how Dakka feels throughout the story.
Hi Dylan! For starters, I think your introduction to your project does a great job on your home page. It is concise and still gives the readers a good idea of what to expect from your project. Before even reading your author's note, I kind of expected Dakka to be based off of Rama-they have many similar characteristics including strong character, loyalty, and brilliant skills in battle. I enjoyed hearing this rendition of the story though. I was a little concerned for Dakka once he entered the trance with the demon; anything can happen in a story like this and I really didn't want him to throw it all away after passing every previous test! Great story Dylan. I enjoyed reading the story about Kitten. It had a sad ending, but had a lesson such as many of the other stories of this kind do. As soon as Chester the kitten said he wouldn't need to know how to swim, I was worried for him...Great job Dylan, keep up the good work!
Hey Dylan, Good job on the stories so far! I read the first two stories (Dakka and Kitten). Dakka was pretty good, but I thought you could improve the flow of the writing a little bit, and I have some comments later on. The Kitten story I absolutely loved! Definitely a sad ending, but everything flowed well, the pacing was great, and the story made sense! Great job! On the Dakka story, here are a few writing flow suggestions! The sentence "These temptations ranged from greed to adultery" broke the flow of your writing for me, so I would suggest adding it as a sentence fragment to the previous sentence! In addition, the sentence "That was exactly what she was" is not really necessary and I actually think it goes much better without it! In the Kitten and the Frog, my only comment is that these sentences seemed a bit too excited to fit the narrative style that you use in the rest of the story: "Of course Chester wanted to try! He wanted to be the fastest to cross the pond!" (That is super nit-picky but the story was so good thats all I could find! Good luck with the rest of the class!
Hey Dylan
ReplyDeleteI thought that the first story was very well written! I like how your title of the page lets us know right off the bat who we are going to be reading about. I also really enjoyed the descriptions that were in your story. I read the story a couple times just so I could envision in my head what was going on and I could clearly get a great picture and that is thanks to your writing. A story is always good when it has our hero facing a villain and that by defeating it they bring peace to the land. I do agree that a warrior should always be conscience of his legacy for sure. It seems like too often the warriors we read about only do heroic feats when it makes them look good and they don’t take into consideration the lasting impact of what they have done. One thing that I was curious about is what are the other stories we are going to be reading about? I don’t happen to see an introduction, so I was just curious. Anyway, I really enjoyed your reading and cannot wait to come back for more.
Hello Dylan,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your stories; they were quick and got to the point. I also enjoyed your alternative retelling of the various stories. It is very creative and made it fun to read! While I do not have any criticisms for any plot points and the like, I do have some quick suggestions for the overall grammar. A lot of the sentences are very basic and could be combined into more complex sentence structures. For example, in your story "Dakka," when describing your hero, you used a lot of 5-6 word sentences with "He is", "He did", "He would", etc. You could've combined definitely shortened those rather than having them as separate sentences. Additionally, you also had a lot of sentence fragments in both of the stories. I'd suggest rereading through your stories and sharpening up the overall grammar. Otherwise, your portfolio was good! Hope this helped!
Hey Dylan,
ReplyDeleteI like how you include some information on the homepage to give the readers a hint of what is to come. Did you know you can add the link to your comment wall as the footer and it'll be displayed on all the pages? I think that's very useful for the readers to easily get to the comment wall from any page.
Your stories here are the first I've seen that has the picture at the very beginning right under the banner image. That's very unique and has an interesting effect on the look of the page.
For your first story, you have done very well with writing the story and think it's really creative how you took the idea of someone being tempted and turned it into a new story. The paragraph with the actual battle is so short. I feel like it could use a few more details on the actual battle. Maybe give an idea of how long it lasted or how bloody it was? Even just one more sentence could give the reader a better feel of the battle itself. I saw one wording thing that I wonder if you missed in proofreading? I feel like "woman" in the following sentence (in 2nd to last paragraph) should be "creature" based on the sentences that follow: "He then caught an image of who the mysterious woman really was. That was exactly what she was. A creature."
For your second story, I really appreciate how you kept true to the original message on the story but told it in your way. I've found these kinds of stories the most fun to read because it really lets the writer show their creativity. I also found the cat really relatable because I'm very competitive. I didn't see anything that jumped out at me for improvements either.
Hi Dylan!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading both of your stories about Dakka and Chester. I think they showcased your storytelling range, since they’re both so different from each other. Reading about Dakka was intriguing because that part of the Ramayana stuck out to me too, and I’m hoping to write about that story from Shurpanakha’s perspective. I liked how you made it a point to write about not only Dakka’s honor as a warrior and his legacy for future generations but also his loyalty to his wife despite how seductive the creature was and how intensely she was trying to steal him away. As for Chester, I liked how you illustrated the moral point of ‘The Turtle Who Couldn’t Stop Talking’ in a cute way, while adding your own creative spin on it. I thought it was really interesting how the moral lesson changed from talking too much to being too competitive.
Hey Dylan!
ReplyDeleteGood job on already writing 2 stories, you’re ahead of the game! Something I already noticed before even reading your stories is that you don’t have an introduction. Although you have 2 stories written already, I feel like an introduction is really necessary because I have no idea what your storybook is about or what you’re trying to do with your project. It makes it a bit confusing for me when reading because I don’t exactly know where your stories are going since I wasn’t given a direction from the start. I definitely recommend that you spend the next week crafting an introduction to help out with any confusion your readers may have about your story!
Other than that, your stories were very straight to the point and easy to read. It wasn’t hard to follow along. However, I think it would be interesting if you were to change to the story to a first point of view. By doing so, I think readers would get a better sense about how Dakka feels throughout the story.
Hi Dylan! For starters, I think your introduction to your project does a great job on your home page. It is concise and still gives the readers a good idea of what to expect from your project. Before even reading your author's note, I kind of expected Dakka to be based off of Rama-they have many similar characteristics including strong character, loyalty, and brilliant skills in battle. I enjoyed hearing this rendition of the story though. I was a little concerned for Dakka once he entered the trance with the demon; anything can happen in a story like this and I really didn't want him to throw it all away after passing every previous test! Great story Dylan. I enjoyed reading the story about Kitten. It had a sad ending, but had a lesson such as many of the other stories of this kind do. As soon as Chester the kitten said he wouldn't need to know how to swim, I was worried for him...Great job Dylan, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Dylan,
ReplyDeleteGood job on the stories so far! I read the first two stories (Dakka and Kitten). Dakka was pretty good, but I thought you could improve the flow of the writing a little bit, and I have some comments later on. The Kitten story I absolutely loved! Definitely a sad ending, but everything flowed well, the pacing was great, and the story made sense! Great job!
On the Dakka story, here are a few writing flow suggestions! The sentence "These temptations ranged from greed to adultery" broke the flow of your writing for me, so I would suggest adding it as a sentence fragment to the previous sentence! In addition, the sentence "That was exactly what she was" is not really necessary and I actually think it goes much better without it!
In the Kitten and the Frog, my only comment is that these sentences seemed a bit too excited to fit the narrative style that you use in the rest of the story: "Of course Chester wanted to try! He wanted to be the fastest to cross the pond!" (That is super nit-picky but the story was so good thats all I could find!
Good luck with the rest of the class!